Women are Smarter than Men

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a
fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he
needed a woman to enjoy it with. 

So, one evening he went to a singles bar
where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. 

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he
said as he walked up to her, but in just a week or
two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million
dollars.” 

Impressed, the woman went home with him that
evening and, three days later, she became his
stepmother. 

Women are so much smarter than men.  

The Cork
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their
bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in
his butt.  If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks
very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

I regret I cannot”, lamented the first Arab. “It is permanently
stuck in my butt.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first Arab says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped
over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Uncl e Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

I said, “No shit?”

Retired People

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down
town to go to the newsstand for the Wall Street Journal so I could
track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I
came out, there was a cop writing out parking ticket. I said to him,
“Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break”? He ignored
me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a “Nazi.” He glared
at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him
a “doughnut eating Gestapo.” He finished second ticket and put it on
windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went
on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote. Personally, I didn’t care….. I came downtown on the bus. The
car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said
“Hillary in ‘08.” I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m
retired. It’s important to my health.

A Philadelphia Joke
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in Fairmont Park when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog’s neck and saving his friend.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. “Flyers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
” But I’m not a Flyer fan,” the li ttle hero replied.
” Sorry, since we are in Philadelphia I just assumed you were,” said the reporter and he starts writing again “Eagles Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack.”
” I’m not an Eagle fan either,” the boy said.
” Oh, I assumed everyone in Philadelphia was either for the Eagles or the Flyers. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked.
” I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
” Little Bastard From Dallas Kills Beloved Family Pet”

Minister at the Gates of Heaven

A minister died and found himself in line at the Pearly Gates behind a man
wearing sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. St. Peter
asked
the man, “State your name so I may determine whether to admit you to the
Kingdom of Heaven?” The man replied, “I’m Joe the taxi driver, from Noo
Yawk City.” St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, “Here, take this
silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” As the taxi
driver entered Heaven, St. Peter turned to the minister.” State your name
so I may determine whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” He stood up tall and said, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” St. Peter consulted his list, smiled and said, “Here, take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The
minister was confused. “He y, wait a minute. That guy drove a taxi and he gets silk and gold, while I spent my life ministering and I get cotton and wood? How can this be?” 

“Simple,” said St. Peter. “Up here, we go by results. When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed!”  

New Mother at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility
recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her
relatives came to visit.
”May we see the new baby?’ one asked’.
‘Not yet,’ said the mother. ‘I’ll make coffee and we can visit
for a while first.’
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
‘May we see the new baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, ‘May we
see the baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, ‘Well, when can we see the
baby?!’
‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told them.
‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ they demanded. ‘Why do we have to wait until he
CRIES?’
‘Because I for got where I put him.’

Crusty Old Man

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says
to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this church.”

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to
inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary
does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer,
“Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”"There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard
time?”

Elderly Prenuptial Agreement

An elderly couple in their 80’s were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that’s fine with me.
She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That’s fine with me.
She said: And I want to have sex 6 nights a week.
He said: That’s fine with me. Put me down for Fridays…..

Lawyers

1. How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

2. How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are all true stories.

3. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

4. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning,
and you could only save one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the paper?

5. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.

6. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Senator.

7. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

8. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.

9. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.

10. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

11. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country
and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

George Carlin on Saving Gasoline
Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq. Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier’s pay while he’s there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended t his country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigr ation and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved. 
 

Golf Lessons

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.

If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”

A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers … Neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme putt”, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work , and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.

Resimay

Deer Sir, I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat yo u think that I am werth, & lt; BR>
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
.
.
.
Employer’s response:……
Dear Peggy May,
It’s OK honey, we’ve got spell check.

Crabby Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one trooper.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 15 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her.”

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”

The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”
 

Bill, Hillary and Al in Heaven

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in a plane crash.
They’re up in Heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first. “Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies, “Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was
your Will that I did not serve. And I’ve come to understand that
now.”
God thinks for a second and says, “Okay, very good. Come and sit
at my left.”

God then addresses Bill. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Bill replies, “I believe in forgiveness. I’ve sinned, but I’ve
never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are
held against me.”
God thinks for a second and says, “You are forgiven, my son. Come
and sit at my right.”

God then addresses Hillary. “Hillary, what do you believe in?”
“I believe you’re in my chair.”

A TEST FOR OLDER KIDS

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the
grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone
would answer, I don’t know, but he left this behind. What did he leave
behind?________________

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched
them on The _______________ Show.

03. “Get your kicks, ___________________”

04. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have been
changed___________________.”

05. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.”

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we “danced” under a
stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the
” _____________.”

07. “N_E_S_T_L_E_S”, Nestle’s makes the very best…… _______________.”

08. Satchmo was America ’s “Ambassador of Goodwill” Our parents shared this
great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skelton’s hobo character was named __________________ and Red
always ended his television show by saying, “Good Night, and “________
________”.

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their______________.

12 The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the
front was called the VW . What other names did it go by? ____________ &
_______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, “the day the music
died.”This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did
it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50’s and 60’s was a large plastic ring
that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________.

ANSWERS:

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and “Good Night,and may God Bless.”
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
  

Hearing Aid

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, “I
just let out a silent fart……….what do you think I should do?”

He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”